Mourning Oscar

**Be warned-this is a very sad post.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my dogs. All dogs, but even more so my dogs. They are pampered and spoiled and human to me. Ridiculous maybe, but I don't care. There are more dogs than humans in this house. Well, there was. My precious fur baby, Oscar went peacefully at the vet's office on October 3, 2014. He has been my beloved companion since Christmas 2001 (born 11-14-01.) I picked him out of his litter when he was a week old. I chose him because he had a darker tail than his siblings. His mother was my sister's dog and at the time, the kids were calling him Chex. His official name became Oscar Mayer the Wiener Dog. He was my cuddle buddy, my leg warmer (he liked to sleep under the blanket in the crook of my knees), and my solace when I was sad. He was there through some bad breakups, the death of his canine brother, Buffy, a marriage (and was a bit of a traitor when Eric came along, I might add), and a couple of moves. He would bark at me when I walked in the door until I came and opened the bedroom door.

I know he was old at just shy of 13. I know that he wouldn't live forever no matter how much I wanted him too. I just didn't expect him to go so fast. He had been snubbing his food for a couple of weeks, but we had changed him to a softer food and we thought he just didn't like it. He always ended up eating it when he thought one of the other dogs might. He started eating less and less though. I was starting to worry a bit, but he was still trying to take our food and peanut butter. I did notice that his ears weren't as pink as they had been, but chalked it up to age. Then, he turned his nose up at peanut butter - his favorite thing in the world. Then, I was worried. Wednesday night I noticed he was breathing hard (not panting), even though he was just laying there.  I called the vet Thursday morning and we took him in to see her. Dr. Darrow (amazing vet and wonderful person) called me Thursday afternoon and said that I had a very sick little guy. His red blood count was 11 and should have been in the 55 range. He needed a transfusion and would need to be transferred to a critical care vet to a tune of $700-$1000. I wish I had all the money in the world for my dogs, but I just don't. She went on to say that sometimes they just developed this form of anemia where the body attacks the red blood cells, but it is usually from cancer. I asked her if he would make it through the night so Eric and I could be with him to put him to sleep. She didn't know. I went to the vet after work and just held him for 45 minutes. He was so cold. His body was cold, his breath was cold, and when I finally got him to give me a kiss, his tongue was cold. I talked to the vet some more and she said he was cold because he "had no blood." He wasn't in pain, which I am so thankful for, but he was definitely suffering. I asked him to try and make it until morning so we could be with him and called the vet as soon as they opened. "He's just looking at us, but he's still here." We made an appointment for later that morning. We went about an hour early so we could spend some time with him. We stopped to get some breakfast because I was getting a headache. As our food was being delivered, the vet called. Oscar just passed, she said. I think I asked her if she was kidding and she said no. She said they had given him a blanket last night and that he had wrapped himself up with it. He was watching them do their work and then went to sleep and passed peacefully. I told her we would be there to get him soon. We got there with his sleeping towel and they went to get him for me. In the process, we made the poor lady in the waiting room cry because we were bawling like babies. They handed him to me all wrapped up and we headed to my parent's house. Eric and my dad dug a hold near the dog we had when I was growing up (Buffy was 15 when Oscar came to live with us and they were buddies) and we buried him there. I ordered a memorial stone for him just today.

My heart is broken, but the other dogs seem to sense this and are sticking close. Dora and Cookie do not seem too affected, but Katie seems a little down. She is definitely careful on the bed because when she used to accidentally step on him he would bite her. On the other hand, she has had no problem taking his place on the bed between Eric and I.

I cherish the time I had with my sweet Oscar. It was a fantastic 12 years and his memory will live on with me. RIP. 11/14/01-10/3/14

What I'm Thinking

As usual, I have neglected my blog. I really need to think of more to say to cyberspace. It's not so much not having anything to say, it's more like me being cautious of saying what I really want to say. I have plenty to say. I doubt most of it is appropriate for the Internet. It would be kind of like the spouses who fight on Facebook, except it probably wouldn't be directed at my spouse. Well, maybe sometimes, but that is why I don't do it at all. I guess the problem is that I lead a boring life. This suits me. I don't like a lot of chaos and I don't like change. Therefore, the previously mentioned boring life. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. As per my norm, I am rambling. I had intended this to be an infertility blog. Let's get to it.

Infertility is not only costly, but it is downright exhausting. Even though Eric and I have taken a break from treatments that doesn't mean I have given up hope for a miracle baby that happens without the help of any medical personnel. At the moment, I am just exhausted. I don't want to think about it, but at the same time it is always there. Every time I see the pictures of precious babies (they are all so sweet!), or every time I see a baby announcement, all I can think about is 1.) I'm so happy for them and 2.) I am jealous of them. I try so hard to keep the little green monster at bay. I try to think positively, remember that it is in God's time, and to think about something else. This is where I am struggling. I'll do good for a few minutes and it is right back to "Why us?" Not to sound egotistical, but I think I would make a pretty good mother. Eric is going to be a fantastic dad. So, why are we facing this difficult struggle? One of my sweet work friends told me that I always have such a great attitude about everything. It is a good thing she cannot actually see inside my mind. In my head, I am so hard on myself. It is all my fault and I must have done something wrong. I know this is illogical and impractical. I think it anyway. Eric gets his fair share of the blame too. Things come out of my mouth before I can think. Thank goodness he is the forgiving and forgetting type. And some might find this to be an excuse, but I can actually blame my PCOS for my mouth. Apparently, one of the many emotional symptoms is rage. So, there, poor neighbors who might have heard us fighting. At least we don't fight at 4 in the morning, but I digress. I cringe at admitting that this Sunday School teacher has dismal thoughts and rage. It kind of makes me feel like a hypocrite. That doesn't mean I can deny it. I work really hard to control it. I am trying.

Speaking of trying to control my crazy emotions, a dear friend brought Young Living Progessence Plus Essential Oil to my attention. I have noticed since starting to use it, that my emotional well-being has improved. I am not a complete sane person yet, but even Eric has noticed my improvement...or he is scared of me and just agreed for the sake of safety. Kidding. He noticed.

I am not sure where to go next. We will probably go back to the fertility doctor in a few more months. I have been looking into the possibility of adoption. The house we are in currently is a huge concern for me. It is tiny. While that wouldn't be a problem for 2 married adults trying to adopt, we do have to remember Eric's uncle. We really need one more bedroom and another bathroom. Yes, I realize that adopting a child wouldn't be any different in terms of space than having a baby. The difference is passing the home visits. We have so much that needs to be attended to that I am not ready to start any kind of adoption process until we can actually start. Honestly, to even start some of the necessary work, we would have to actually throw things away. This is very hard for a certain pack rat that I am married to at the moment, not that I am naming names. This was quite evident tonight when I was throwing away some old coupons tonight and he went through the trash to be sure that I hadn't thrown away something important. We have an ongoing learning curve on what is important. Back to the subject at hand, I do not want some caseworker coming into this house in its current state. It really isn't about stuff being dangerous, but an ugly outdated kitchen, a bathroom that could use a makeover, and woodwork with dog marks all over it from the beagle who lived here prior to Eric's grandma passing. Plus the mismatched carpet and peeling floor tiles. I really need to be on one of those TV shows that feel sorry for you and come and redo your entire house. Anyone need a project? No. Okay, moving on.

So, I hope this post hasn't come across as a whining diatribe. That wasn't my intention. With that said, all of this has been in my head. Bits and pieces get said to certain people at different times, but it all seems to just sit in the center of my thoughts, almost like the proverbial squirrel. Me: I need to take the dogs out, start laundry...Brain: I want a baby!!!!...Me: Shut-up brain I am trying to be productive. Yes, I am being funny. No, it doesn't quite happen like that. Close enough.

Last, but certainly not least. I have some of the greatest friends. I have a whole church family who are always supportive. From that same church, I have an amazing small group who would drop everything in a moment's notice if I needed them too (and I would do the same for them,) friends at work who don't mind my whining, and, of course, some of those special friends who only come once in a lifetime. I am lucky enough to have several of those. I consider them my friend soul-mates. You know who you are!

Musings of a sometime blogger

I haven't written in a while. Part of this, is because ever since I graduated, I have been trying to find my footing in life. For the last three years, I have been on a set schedule. So many nights at school and the other nights doing homework or studying. And, then, weekends would be packed with family or working football, wrestling or basketball games (okay, I only worked two basketball game, but still) and so I didn't really have time to sit around and do nothing. Then, all of the sudden, there was all of this free time and all I could do was sit around and do nothing. That has gotten old. I have a huge to-do list for around my house, but who wants to do that?!? I'll get it all figured out. I usually do. Ha!

If you saw my Facebook posts over the month of September, you know that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) back in March. There is so much that goes along with that and it explains so much about me. It is really nice to have a name for a majority of my issues. Now, we are just dealing with it. In a nut shell, there are cysts on my ovaries that cause irregular menstrual cycles that could lead to cancer later. There is a lot more to that, but that is for a different post.

If you have been around me in the last three years, you know that we have attempted to sell our Midwest City home off and on since Eric's grandma passed away. We've had renters, but really aren't in the position to be landlords at this point in our life. Unfortunately for us, the downturn in real estate hit this neighborhood hard. They are small, older homes and so many in the neighborhood are in disrepair. It is also a high rental area so investors want to pay little to nothing. The point is that we are underwater on that mortgage. We decided to drop the price drastically and apply for a short sale. The problem was we didn't have an offer. No interest at all in fact before last week. Last week, we received two offers. The first fell through because we don't have the money to remove a tree and do some other repairs. The other, who happens to be the current neighbor, had spoken to Eric and didn't ask for repair costs. We have submitted the offer to the bank and are now waiting for word from them. Prayers for that to happen quickly would be greatly appreciated.

I think that covers the finer points of things right now. I really hope to start posting more often. Of course, that would require something to say! Ha!

May 20, 2013

I tried to return to my normal life today, but that life is long gone. I did go to work and drive home and let the dogs out. But nothing is normal now. Those things that I were able to do were gifts because I still have a car and a house. A EF-5 tornado, like the one on May 20th, 2013 that hit Moore, OK, will do that to you when you are directly affected by it. No, I didn't have damage. I did have to hunker in my closet with dogs not knowing if it was heading my way or not. My dad was able to get through to me and let me know it had stayed south and I could come out. I did come out and went outside and it was still there. I was looking right at it...only I couldn't tell it was a funnel. All I could see was what appeared to be a red dirt cloud. Then, I saw sheet metal flying and knew I was looking right at it. It was at that point that I realized that three sets of family member either had direct hits or lots of damage. Eric, his uncle, Timmy, and I raced towards his aunt's house first. She has a home daycare and we weren't sure how many kids might have been there that day. We didn't get far. The power lines stopped us in the car but Eric got out and went running up the street. At this point, Timmy and I tried to get to my cousin's house. I couldn't get texts through to her and I knew she was probably at home with both of her kids. We tried three different ways to get through but couldn't. Too many other people trying the same thing, but most of them were trying to get to Plaza Towers to find their kids. Eric did make it to his aunt's house. She wasn't there and we later found out she was safe. And, we finally heard that my cousin and her kids were safe but their house had sustained a direct blow and they were in it. Thank you to the people who got them to safety in Norman. We also couldn't get to my brother's house because of all of the damage, but he was at work so we at least knew he was safe. It took him hours to get to my house and Eric and he had to walk the two miles to his house just to get him some clothes. They came back with pictures of windows blown out and 2x6's thrown into the back of the house. By this time, word had come out that children had died in that school. It breaks my heart.

They just started letting people back into their neighborhoods today. One of the news stations turned their parking lot into a donation center. They quickly had 6 semi's full of water and food along with monetary donations. Posts started popping up on Facebook about where to donate, how to help, stories of trying to reunite pets with their families, people rescuing their neighbors. Interviews with survivors who said we will rebuild because this is our home. Insurance companies out with their mobile command centers to help their customers begin to rebuild. It will take time but this city will rebuild just like it did in 1999.

My life will never return to "normal." I wasn't directly affected, but, then again, I am an Okie and a Moore citizen, so I was. I was affected because my dear family was affected. I was affected because my fellow Mooreites were affected. I was affected because my state is hurting from two days of two deadly tornadoes. And, I am proud to be an Okie and a Moore citizen. We might have been knocked down but we will pick each other back up. We will look at our neighbor's and say let's try this again. We will help each other and love each other and be there for each other. The volunteers will line the street for miles just to help clean up a cemetery because they were asked too. In the coming weeks, more donations will pour in, more volunteers will come here, and more neighbors will take their shovel and help someone who also lost their homes sift through the debris. There will be amazing stories of angels and crosses unbroken when everything else was shattered. And, Oklahoma, and especially Moore, will keep marching on. There is no other way we would do it...or want it.

Time to Say Thank You

May 11th, 2013 will always be etched in my heart and mind as the day I crossed the stage to receive my Bachelor's Degree. I could have never gotten here on my own and now it is time to do some thanking. So here goes:

(This may sound like an award acceptance speech...Ha!)

First, I thank God. Without Him, I wouldn't have done anything. He has truly blessed me as you will see in this post of thanks!

Next, I thank my husband, Eric. He had to pick up so much slack while I was at school, doing homework or studying/stressing. The laundry, the dishes, taking care of the dogs, the lawn (who am I kidding...I don't help with the lawn anyway!), basically everything was done by him. I still took care of the finances, but he did almost everything else. Sometimes I had to ask and sometimes he didn't do things quite the way I would have, but nevertheless, I am thankful for what he did. He was also extremely supportive and helped to make sure I had a quiet place to study and making sure I did my homework. So, Eric, my love, thank you.

And of course I have to thank my parents. They both were so supportive, but my mom is the one I could call when frustrated and she could talk me through it (or at least make me feel better!) And she was usually the first one I called when I got my test grades and they were better than I thought they would be (like Every.Single.Time!) She would tell me how proud she was of me that I kept on truckin' (one of her favorite phrases.) So many times I wanted to quit because it was too much but she told me I could do it and so I did! And, of course, my dad would also hear all about my test grades and he would tell me good job. There is something about hearing good job from your mommy and daddy even in your thirties! So, Mom and Dad, thank you.

I could never forget all of my other relatives who have been so supportive. Grandma and Grandpa Jorgensen, Grandma and Pap Eisler, Uncle Mark and Aunt Lauretta, Uncle Dave and Aunt Denise, Uncle Nick and Aunt Sherry, Uncle David and Aunt Mary, all of my cousins (Stacy, Craig, Jason, Kim, Tiffany, Brent, Jessica, Eric, Kelly and Delana), Eric's family (adding all of you would be a whole other blog post but you know who you are and I am so grateful), my brother and sisters, my other parents Darwin and Linda, and so many other relatives. I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life!

Next, I must think my friends. My favorite Amiga, Maria, who has been there through thick and thin with me in the last 3 years. She is the very definition of a true friend. To Hayley, who I don't get to see as often as I would like, but I know she has been supporting me and thinking about me. To Angie, who I am also lucky enough to call my sister-in-law, who is such a strong, inspirational woman and loves me for me (I am pretty sure she knows I am crazy!) And to my new friend, Randi - I am so glad we have met and I am excited to get to know you better! :-)

I also made some new friends through being a part of the Human Resource Society at UCO and in my classes. I am not sure I would have made it this last semester without their friendship. This includes Summer, Sara, Shelby, David, Kelsey, Chris, Laura, Ashley, Shirley, Amanda and probably some I forgot (but hey I just took two finals and it's almost 11 at night...please forgive me!) And I want to thank all of my professors. I have learned so much from all of you...not just about school subjects, but about life.

And my coworkers and boss who have been so supportive and understanding. Working for a higher education agency everyone truly believes in the value of higher education and I have been able to talk to so many of them about my elation and trials with school. Special note to my boss, Dr. Cindy Brown, who has been one of my biggest cheerleaders and also Matt and Lisa who have celebrated all of my triumphs with me! And thank you Adrienne and Sheila for letting me come into your offices to complain about professors or assignments and not thinking that I am a loony toon! Lol!

And last, but certainly not least, thank you to my church family. All of you have been with me on this journey and without your prayers and support I might have had a harder time. I love the sense of family I have every time I walk into our church and it wouldn't be that way if not for each and every one of you. Thank you for welcoming Eric and I into your loving arms 5 years ago!

Looking for the Open Window...

Well, God seems to have closed that door.

I applied for a position at my work in the HR Department, which is what my degree is in (Human Resources Management.) It's a small department and the opening seemed to me like it was meant to be since I would be getting my degree right around the same time as I graduated. I interviewed and I thought that went well. However, I still knew it was a long shot since I have no experience. The call came today that someone else was selected. I was so appreciative that she took the time to call me before she sent the rejection email.

The thing is that that position fit perfectly into MY plan. I need to stay where I am through November so that I am fully vested in the retirement (you know...that magical 5 year mark.) However, I didn't really want to leave. I just knew I was meant to stay there and getting that position would have allowed me experience plus would have allowed me to stay where I am for a little longer term. I am pretty sure God was laughing. I must admit that every time I prayed about the job I finished it with Your will be done. That is a first for me. I kind of prefer things my own way. I jokingly (okay, okay...half-jokingly) tell my husband and brother that if they would just listen to me then their lives would be perfect. I bet God thinks the same of me.

I admit that I was upset after she called me. My boss was fully aware of me trying to get that position. She was, and is, very supportive of everything - me going to school and my future career. She was the first person I told and I was struggling to hold back tears. She told me how sorry she was and then said but that's good news for me. I had to laugh. I decided then and there that I was not going to let this drag me down. God has a purpose for my life and this job was not included in that purpose. So I will keep walking until I find the next door or the open window. Lord, I praise you through this and thank you for the blessings I do have - like a wonderful and supportive boss!

5 weeks and counting!

I am sure that anybody who actually reads this blog is sick of hearing (reading) about my graduation. However, I keep writing about it because it is basically the most important thing going on in my life right now. It has taken me so long to get to this point. I have felt failure, elation, fear (public speaking, anyone?!?), gratitude, relief (I didn't fail that test after all!) and have made some new friends. There were even days I wasn't sure I was going to make it through (4 times a week to Edmond last semester!) Now, it is just 5 short weeks from being over. I am still pretty stressed (of course everything is due at the same time!) but I can see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel and I now know it isn't a train heading towards me! It is the finish line but also the starting line. The starting line towards a new career!

Sometimes I wish I had done it all differently. I wish I had known at 18 what I wanted to do with my life. But, that wasn't God's plan for me. He knew where I needed to be but I had to get there while stumbling...or else it might not have meant as much to me. And, had I not taken that wayward path I would not have met some of the most important people in my life. You know who you are! Wishing you had done things differently won't take you back. I have learned that all of the experiences since graduating high school have been for a reason...some reasons I am just now beginning to understand. Others not so much. I don't think we are supposed to understand everything.

So, in 5 short weeks, I am going to put on that navy blue gown and my cap with my drab (actual name...not kidding) tassel. I am going to line up with all of the other graduates and I am going to march into my graduation with a smile on my lips and joy in my heart! I am going to cross that stage and become a college graduate. And then I am going to have a party so that the people who are most important to me (with a few exceptions of those who cannot be here - I'll party with you in spirit!) can be hugged and thanked for their support, for their love and for their faith in me. Without which I may not have made it to this point!